susan fitch

Several months ago our stake had a fireside about depression. It was given by a therapist from LDS family services. She started out the fireside by asking the audience to stand up. First, stand up if you personally have experienced clinical depression. (lasting 2 weeks or more) Secondly, she invited those to stand who love or know someone who struggles with depression. Thirdly, she asked those to stand who simply know of someone who has depression. By the time she ended only two people in the entire congregation were still sitting.

I have heard that as many as 1 out of every 4 people have diagnosable depression.

I am one of those people. I was diagnosed with clinical depression 15 years ago as a young missionary.

I was serving in an area where the previous missionaries in the area had been less than obedient. The members did not like the missionaries much for that reason. My companion and I had knocked on every door in the entire area with no success. It was the middle of the dark and dreary winter of New York. With all the gray skies and stormy weather, we had less that 2 minutes of sunlight a day.

It was during that time that I started having stomach problems. I felt nauseous after every meal and got excruciating pains in my stomach that doubled me over and took my breath away. I saw a doctor there who first prescribed some antacids for me. They didn't work. They did blood tests and all sorts of other tests. I even had an ultrasound to make sure my kidneys were working properly. They couldn't find anything wrong with me. I kept thinking to myself "I am a missionary. I can't get sick. I just need to work harder. I just need to have more faith" but the harder I worked, the more I tried, the sicker I got. I became discouraged. I was in bed with so much pain in my body that I could hardly move. I was frustrated and felt guilty that I couldn't get out and work like I wanted to, and didn't seem to have the faith to be healed.

Eventually, the doctor gave up and told me he thought it must be stress. He recommended that I work only 4 days a week. He obviously wasn't a member of the church and didn't understand that that's just not the way missionaries roll.

The mission president gave me sort of a mini vacation though. I was sent back to Palmyra to stay with the site director and his wife for a week.

One day, I walked through the sacred grove and poured out my heart to my heavenly father as I had many times before. I felt like I was letting him down. I was a failure as a missionary. I was afraid they were going to send me home. As I prayed and walked, I came across a tree in the grove. It was a small skinny tree. But it was growing next to a big, tall tree with a thick strong trunk. And as I looked, I saw that one of the roots of the big tree had grown out and connected to the small tree to share it strength and give it sustenance. All at once I understood the message the Lord was sending to me. I felt his overwhelming love and knew that even though I was weak, that he was strong. And just like the two trees, his strength had reached out to sustain me in my weakness. It was a great comfort to me. I was still sick and struggling, but I had something to hold onto.

I was sent to see one of the counselors in the stake presidency. He was a psychologist. I saw him several times before he was able to diagnose me with depression. He said I was difficult to diagnose because I am a "master of deceit" at first I didn't quite understand what he meant and was somewhat offended. But I have come to understand that what he meant is that my depression doesn't show on the outside. Though I don't consciously try to --- I am a master at hiding it.

He prescribed some little blue happy pills for me and I slowly started to feel better. I am grateful that I was able to complete my mission. Though I have always felt bad for all the time that I wasted by being sick.

Fast forward 15 years: I have been through many more trials. I still have depression and I still struggle with it every day. Sometimes more than others.

Why am I blogging about all this? I have absolutely no idea. I just am. I don't try to hide my depression, but I certainly don't advertise it either. In my experience, people either think depression means you're totally off your rocker, or they think it's all in your head. Which I guess is technically true. It has to do with the chemicals in your brain, and neurotransmitters that don't work properly to keep those chemicals balanced. But, it's not in your head in the sense that it's an imaginary ailment. Did you know that depression can be seen in a brain scan?

As I said, I still have depression and I struggle with it every day. I am still on medication. And while medication helps - it doesn't cure.
It's kind of like having a bad cold. You can take cold medicine and go about your life like normal. You don't have snot dripping down your face or plugging up your nose so you can't breath. You probably don't cough so much. Your symptoms have mostly disappeared as far as anyone else can see. And you do feel measurable better. But in the back of your head, you still feel your cold. That fuzzy heavy head, or the slight scratch in your throat.
Anti-depressants take off the edge. You can go about your life with no one else knowing a thing, but there's still that slight underlying feeling of melancholy. ....at least that's how it is for me.

Depression isn't just feeling sad either. As I mentioned, there are real physical effects. Pain. insomnia or sleeping too much. Loss of appetite or overeating. loss of interest in things you love. irritability. inability to concentrate or think clearly. Sluggishness and lack of ability to do things.

If you've never experienced depression and you read that list - it probably sounds ridiculous. Many things seem to contradict each other. But believe me. I've experienced all those things. They are more similar than different.

I have been experiencing many of those things for the last few months. Stress is my trigger. When I over load myself or go through a stressful ordeal, that's when I get depressed. Right now, I'm super overwhelmed with school. I keep wondering what I was thinking when I decided to try to finish my degree.....
For me, I'm not so much just sitting around feeling crappy (though I've definitely got that in me) for me, it's mostly about "jell-o". A dear friend of mine coined that phrase. Let me explain: Have you ever tried to run in a swimming pool? It's that same feeling of the incredible drag of the water that holds you in slow motion. Except imagine that it's a pool full of jell-o. That's how I feel my whole life is right now. I'm trying so hard to do so much, and I'm just stuck up to my shoulders in jell-o.

Sometimes I get so tired of trudging through the jell-o all the time. so tired. I guess that's where I'm at today. So tired - from the inside out. It feels like I've been dealing with this forever. If I could, I'd just crawl in bed and stay there for a week or so. Mothers don't have that luxury though.

I was reading my scriptures the other morning when I came across 1Nephi 8:8. Lehi's dream. It says "And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies" At that moment I felt that I really truly understood how Lehi felt trudging through that darkness for hours on end. It's the same way I feel trudging through my own dark jell-o for all these years. And I cry to the Lord for his mercy to give me relief in the exact same way! As I read on, the Lord heard Lehi's cries and showed him to the tree of life where he received the greatest of all joys. Once again, the Lord has reached out to give me comfort. I don't believe that my time in the darkness is over. But I know the Lord will have mercy on me and that one day, I'll experience a great joy. I'm so grateful he loves me so perfectly.

If you have depression too - I hope this post will give you comfort to know that you're not alone. If you don't have depression, I hope it will give you a little bit of understanding and insight into those of us who do. Above all, know that the Lord is in charge, and that what ever trials and struggles we have in this life - are only temporary. There comes a time when the Lord's tender mercy will deliver us all.