Deep Thoughts.....

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I've been scrubbing the toilets again. That means another post full of "Deep Thoughts" by Sue. And, it's bound to be a long one, so don't feel like you have to read the whole thing. I'm really not sure yet if there will be a point to it or not.

You see, my big brother Jim has been diagnosed with neuro-sheath sarcoma. apparently a very rare form of cancer. He has a tumor under his arm. He's had chemotherapy, but the tumor is just getting bigger and has spread to his lungs and spine. He's starting radiation now. I don't know a lot about cancer, but that doesn't sound good to me. He has the GREATEST attitude about it. To read his blog , you'd think he was merely on a field trip at the science lab-learning about all the inner intricate workings of the human body. Which to him is a fascinating treat! (he's a doctor)

So much to think about with this scenario. Of course I want to do something about it. I want to help. I want to make it better. But what can I do? I have no control over such things -- so, all I can do is appeal to the one and only person who does have control over these things. My Heavenly Father. He sent his son Jesus Christ to earth to be the Savior of mankind. Jesus healed the blind, the sick, the lepers, the afflicted -- he even raised the dead. Certainly he can heal my brother's cancer. I know he can. So I will undoubtedly pray that he will.

Many of you who read this blog share my faith, and know that this Sunday is Fast Sunday. Basically, as an added expression of faith, we go with out eating for 24 hours as we pray for whatever purpose. I would like to invite you all to fast with me and pray for my brother this Sunday. If you don't want to fast you can just pray for him to beat the cancer. But, I would appreciate it either way.

Unfortunately, I have also had enough experience in my life to know that the Lord's will is not always the same as my own. As I said before -- he's in charge here. And I trust him completely. He has a wiser greater purpose than I can begin to comprehend.

In my life -when things have gone according to the Lord's will and not mine- I have learned that it's difficult to deal with. In fact, sometimes it really sucks! For example: It was not my will for my Dad to die when I was 9 years old. It was not my will to watch my Mom suffer through Alzheimers and die. It was not my will for my first child to die, or for my second to be born 4 months early and have to fight for life, or for my third to have cerebral palsy. (to name just a few) Those things SUCK! But I've also learned that when those things happen, it's also okay.
Just because the Lord can heal, doesn't mean he should. (I'm not claiming to understand why.)

I have said before that the gospel of Jesus Christ does not make us immune to trials, hardships, or sorrow. It doesn't. It doesn't even make it easy. What it does do is make it bearable. (because it gives us hope.)

I heard an analogy a bit ago that I really like. A man who had lost a child spoke of the experience as a rock in a backpack. We all have backpacks, we all have our own rocks to carry. You can really feel the weight of each rock when it's given to you. Over time, the burden seems to lighten. Not because it hurts less, or means any less, not because the rock weighs any less...just because you have become stronger and are better able to carry it. Over time, I think we are able to understand better the Lord's purposes or at least, we are strengthened by the comfort of his spirit and are better able to deal with life's adventures.

So secondly, I ask you to pray along with me , for me & my whole family. My brother, and his wife, children and grandchildren, that IF the Lord's will is not what we want it to be, that we'll all have the strength and comfort to accept it.

It's interesting to me that when I've gone through these different trials, there are people who tell me "You are so strong." --They are looking at the composure I keep on the surface. In public. They do not see me cry myself to sleep, or the countless hours spent on my knees in prayer sobbing, and questioning, and begging for it all to go away. Strength has nothing to do with it. It's merely a coincidence of being alive. You wake up every day, and go to bed every night and these things are still there no matter what you do. By simply living, you are surviving. Just because you look fine on the surface, doesn't mean that you are surviving well. The thing is, we have a crazy idea in our society that it's not really okay to grieve or mourn. In general, we are uncomfortable with it. What do you say to someone in grief? How do you comfort someone who is mourning? --I'm not just talking about death here. Don't we all grieve over other things too? A lost job, a failed marriage, unfulfilled dreams. Still, we feel we always have to put on a happy face. why?

A long time ago, I learned a valuable lesson from a two year old. She said "Big Bird says, sometimes it's okay to cry."

Now, I'm not saying that we should all go around feeling sad and depressed over every less-than-perfect thing in our lives. quite the contrary. I'm saying that it's okay to let yourself feel sad when you need to. It's healthy. The scriptures teach us that we couldn't have the good with out the bad. One cannot exist without the other. We need them both.

I read a great book written by a therapist (and his wife) who works over Bub. It's called "Jesus Wept" and it's by Dennis & Joyce Ashton. The book is about grief. all kinds of grief. And I love where the title comes from. It says a lot about the importance the Savior puts on grieving. When Lazarus died, the Savior went to his home and found his family, Mary & Martha weeping. Even though the Savior knew he could and would raise Lazarus from the dead-- "Jesus Wept." He first took the time to grieve with them.

Trials change us. I do not believe however that they DEFINE us. How we handle trials defines us. and we are never the same again.

I don't know that I've handled everything in my life as well as I should. In fact I know I could have done a lot better in a lot of situations. But I've survived. I have a faith and a hope in Jesus Christ that is stronger because of it. And I'm grateful to feel the peace of knowing that my Heavenly Father who loves me, is in charge. I trust him. Even when life sucks, I know it will all, always be okay. He'll take care of me and help me through it. And even amid the hard parts, I am blessed with far more good than anything else.

(I told you it would be a long post!)