More than you ever wanted to know.

This is a horrible picture. We had swimming lessons today. I didn't take my nice camera because of all the water ....didn't want it to get ruined. But this is the best picture I could get. We've been doing swimming lessons for about 2 weeks now, and both kids LOVE IT! Emma is in a Mommy & Me class for little ones. and Aiden is in the preschool class. He was actually supposed to be in a different class, but we got a little mixed up and even though he's with kids younger than he is, they are his same size, and he fits right in. He has taken like a fish to water. He struggled through school, and had a miserable experience with T-ball, (bullying) and has even been bullied a bit in the neighborhood. It is so fun and so good to see him really succeed and really enjoying something. Go Aiden!
I probably should put more time into articulating the rest of this post. But I'm not a pre-meditating blogger. I just blah blah blog what ever comes out.
I've been thinking about Emma lately and what it means to be a 'special needs Mom'. Honestly, I don't think it's all that hard or different to be a special needs Mom. At least not for Emma. Instead of driving all over for soccer practice and ballet, we just go from therapist to specialist. She's not so big yet, or so disabled that taking care of her requires a huge amount of effort. She is three and she still eats in a high chair sometimes. She's just in that between time where sometimes she prefers a sippy, sometimes she prefers a cup. She isn't potty trained. Hasn't even started. She can't crawl, walk or talk a whole lot. But she seems normal to me.

Sometimes I wonder when I'm out with her at a store or something if people can tell by looking at her that there's 'something wrong'. I don't think you can, but I'm so used to her, I doubt I'd know. Still, I think she probably looks normal because when I park in the handicapped stalls, even with our parking pass---people still give me dirty looks, like "You young mother with small children! what do you need handicapped parking for? You're just lazy!" One day I almost stuck my tongue out at an old lady because she kept giving me the stink eye. Sometimes I don't park in the handicapped stalls just because I don't want to deal with nasty people....anyway. I digress.

What I'm really getting at, is that there are two situations recently that I don't know what to think about. I posted about 'stupid things people say' and mentioned that there were several 'stupid things too stupid to blog about". Well, this is one of them. Someone talking to Bub the other day was asking him about Emma, how she's doing etc. Then, they asked "So have you given up yet on the idea that some big miracle is suddenly going to happen?" Ugh. so many emotions. Bub said "No, I'll never give up on my little girl." good answer. I just can't get the question out of my head. I'm so bothered by it. I wasn't aware that I was expecting a big miracle. I have hope that she'll be able to continue to improve indefinitely, but I don't understand why this person would think we're expecting a big sudden miracle. And even if we were, why would that be such a bad thing? And why, would you ask someone something like that?! Does this person think Emma's condition makes her such a total loss? That we are silly to hope?! I guess part of me feels a little bit angry. (though I didn't discover that until this very minute.)

Sometimes, I feel like I'm supposed to know her better. That as her mother I'm supposed to have some special innate connection to just understand her soul. People ask me, "What did she say?" I don't know. Sometimes I can tell, but most the time I don't. They ask, can she do this? can she do that? I don't always know. I wish I did.
I thought she could do swimming lessons. Do you remember the old mormon-ad commercial with the little crippled girl who was on a swim team? I saw that everyday of my mission, and somehow got the idea in my head that Emma could be just like that little girl. I thought that since she didn't have to worry about balance or standing, that she'd be able to do it. But I was wrong. She can 'blow', but she can't blow bubbles in the water. She sucks all the water in and chokes. She can't float on her back -even with me holding her, because her muscles tense up. She can't kick with her legs straight or paddle her arms, or bunny hop. But she tries. She works hard, and she laughs and smiles and giggles and does the very best she can, and I love her for it. It's enough. I'm glad to pay $30 so she can kick around in the water and have a good time with other kids her age. But I'll admit. I had to adjust my thinking, and I felt a little sad when I realized that she couldn't do what I thought she could. Maybe I was expecting a miracle. I don't know.
I wonder, when the teacher comes by to 'see how we're doing' or if we have to do an activity with another Mom/child set, if I should tell them she's got cerebral palsy. Again, can they tell she isn't doing it 'right'? And if they can, is it really all that big of a deal? I guess I just don't want other people look at her and think "what's wrong with her?" I don't want her to be treated like a thing instead of a person. I want people to love her and be kind to her. And yet, when I do tell people, it almost seems like it makes it more awkward for them. Most people don't keep a mental file of disability definitions. If I say she's got cerebral palsy, I might as well be saying she's got down syndrome, autism, or martian mumps. It's all the same. I wouldn't know anything about CP myself if I didn't have to learn. Sometimes, even still, I want to see a picture of the stereo-type person with CP so I know better what it is. What type of people are 'that way', what 'way' she might be, what she might do. I just don't ever know quite what to say to other people or what to do.

There's a whole lot of not knowing as a special needs Mom. There's a whole lot of love. There's heartbreak too. A lot of hope, a lot of Joy, but mostly a lot of love. She's my little girl. My Emma. And I love her.